So today we had a company wide staff meeting on how the company is doing, and how we're going to survive the current market. I arrived to the meeting before my coworkers, and sat in the third row 7th seat down. This is a strategic placement. It's close enough to look like you're interested, but not far enough away so as not to be noticed. It's generally where all the software people sit during these meetings. As my fellow workers ambled in all together, they started to file into my row. I courteously adjusted myself so as to allow the seat next to me to be sat upon. And what does Doc do? He sits in the seat next to it. The rest of the group sits next to him, all filling in the seats accordingly. This left me a chair apart from my group. Ya know, maybe I'm overreacting, and maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I just couldn't help being hurt by this "snub". I was immediately overcome with self-doubt, like what was wrong with me, do I smell today, is my fly open? Is it wrong of me to feel like this, should I just not care. I just don't see how after 2 and a half years, how have I not been able to integrate into this group.
I've been told in my quarterly reviews that I'm "too nice", and "too friendly". That apparently asking your coworkers how they're weekend/holiday was is deemed annoying. That apparently being happy that you performed your job admirably is deemed as immature. All these things, plus the insults, the put downs, the laughing at me instead of with me, the exclusion, the down talking, the making anything I say irrelevant. A perfect example of which was that Grumpy showed off the air hockey Iphone app that my wife and I play at Restaurants while we wait for our food sometimes. Upon seeing it, I commented on that very thing, and instead of "Oh really", or "You too?" I get, "Oh, god forbid you should talk to your wife". That and all the rest was just filling up that empty chair next to me as I sat there and heard our CEO logically explain how the 15% pay cut in his multi-million dollar salary is the same as us not getting any raises and losing our hard earned profit sharing.
My friend who reads this blog has told me that I'm being shit on here, and I know it's true. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't go to HR, because then I'm a troublemaker. Trust me, after a lifetime of being bullying, telling the authority figure rarely helps. All they can do is go to the manager of my manager, who joins in on the teasing. Plus, the two people who I've seen report things to HR were laid off during the next round of them. Finding a new job isn't an option, because I don't know where I'll be in a year's time.
Now I learned a long time ago who I was, and how I was going to live my life. My choices of being nice to people, and liking the things (music, tv, movies, games) I like in life, seems to draw a target of some kind on my back. I don't depend on others to give myself value. I know I'm a good person. My self-esteem is extremely resilient after all of my life dealing with this problem. I just can't help but wonder sometimes, what is so wrong with society, that I find this literally everywhere I go.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A chair apart
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First of all maybe they didnt sit NEXT to you cuz you have a cold????? Could happen!!!! AND second as far as whats wrong with you??? Thats the wrong question...the question is whats wrong with them?? There are not enough nice guys in this world and so people tend to not know how to react to them when one pops up (you) so just go about your life being exactly who you are because no matter what I truly think that the nice guys will get what they deserve. You know they say good guys finish last...well in my opinion its better then not finishing at all!!!! With all that rambling I just want you to be true to yourself, after all being who you are got you, your wife!!! *smile*
ReplyDeleteI am often told I am too nice, I should say no more, that people take advantage of me, but I point blank refuse to change who I am, that would be wrong. when people are derogatory towards me, I smile sweetly and silently wish them well, knowing that they are the ones lacking. rise above it, know yourself, know you are loved and valued and let them be.
ReplyDeletesally xxx
Thank you both for your kind words. Don't worry about me being myself. I've known who I was since I was 12 years old. I don't change for other people, and I never intend to. I didn't through high school. I stayed true to myself through the temptations of college, and into the working world. But I am still human, and sometimes that feeling of "Why don't they like me" does creep up. By the end of the day, I'm back to being myself, it's just a cycle.
ReplyDeleteDena: You know Dena, I hadn't thought of the sick thing, my wife agrees with you that could have been it. Even so I usually explain that when I don't sit next to someone I know. Like "Oh you're sick, I'm gonna keep my distance" so as not to offend. just common courtesy. And yes, Nice guys do finish last, but don't we always save the best for last? That's something I learned a long time ago, and was proven correct when i met my wonderful wife.
Sally: You know, you sound an awful lot like my mother. She is a very forgiving and kind woman, and generally gives me the same advice. Maybe I'm too jaded, and have seen too many evil deeds done to myself and others just for the sake of being evil, but I cannot wish these people well when they are cruel to me or others. They don't deserve my well wishes, and if it was in my power, I would love to show them how they make other people feel, because I think that reducing someone else's self-worth should be a crime in our society. It is cruel, vicious, and just wrong.